I am a 38 year old man. I drink too much, I smoke too much, my diet is rubbish, I do no exercise, and I think I might be having a mid-life crisis.

Everywhere I look, I see the body beautiful. No longer are these models of physical perfection confined to the silver screen and to the pages of fitness magazines; they are omnipresent: London, Newcastle, Colchester, and everywhere else I happen to be. It depresses me; it shames me; and it makes me angry because I have spent years convincing myself that I am comfortable with the way that I am and the way that I look.

Rather than wallowing in self-pity, I have decided that pragmatism is far more beneficial than self-indulgent woefulness. There are somethings I cannot change (I will always be 5’5” and my hair is only likely to recede further), somethings I have changed (my teeth are much healthier, straighter and whiter), and somethings I can try to change. And so I have set myself a challenge: is it possible for somebody like me to achieve the much coveted beach body?